What is This Feeling?

November 22, 2022

i’m really ready for the semester to end.

treat this blog post as a diary entry, because at the moment, the only thing that i can focus on is writing down the feelings that i’m experiencing– not homework, studying, or anything.

i am not sad. let me just put that out there. i think what i am have a hard time realizing is that when you feel jsofksndofjs, thats okay and its not always a bad thing. like for instance, i should be pretty happy. i changed my major to something i enjoy much more, i have been offered job positions for the summer, and i have made and continue to have some of the best relationships with people. among other things, these are the things that i am so happy and proud to admit. so why don’t i feel excited? why do i feel neutral and average?

hopefully you aren’t worried about me, because honestly i don’t feel upset about this– i’m just confused and i’m hoping that if you’re reading this maybe you feel similarly.

let’s go through some major feelings that have arisen:

walking away from a conversation, i often second guess myself. especially because this semester has been majorly defined by new relationships and friends, i can’t ALWAYS make sure that i’m making a great impression on these people. for instance, i can’t count the amount of times recently when i’ve walked up to a table of people– who i think are really cool and i respect them– but leave an interaction wondering if they think i’m awkward or not worth their time. i mean, i don’t think that’s true. and i know that in reality it doesn’t work like that. if they didn’t like me they wouldn’t be so nice to me. it feels weird to now exit every interaction with a pit in my stomach. this has never been an issue for me, so why now?

another thing is that i feel like with the evolving culture of college, it that it’s really hard to keep the same friendships for four years. it’s increasingly hard to keep in touch with everyone equally, and to make plans that accurately depict my feelings for people. i feel like i’m losing people, even though i may pass by and say hello on a daily basis. there’s a really fine line of prioritizing yourself– academics, health, sleep, etc.– and catching up with people. i mean i understand that some people grow apart in college, but that isn’t what this feels like. does that make sense? i don’t feel like i am growing apart with anyone i just feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to make meaningful conversation with everyone that i love. i’m sure this isn’t very profound, but it’s eating away at me. to my dear roommates, i feel this way about you guys. i can’t always be at home to hangout, and i have made relationships with people that may impact our plans, as have you guys. i love you all and you mean so much to me, but i also have been beating myself up for not being as active in our roommate and hallway endeavors. i hope to make it up to u when i am feeling more up to it.

also– i dropped organic chemistry. yes yes yes i did blast this on my private story and told every soul i could. but it actually has fully changed my life for many reasons. “colin it’s not that deep” yes it is stfu.

my daily schedule is so different, and i have so much time. too much time. what’s been good is that i’ve been working out and running more, but otherwise, i spend a LOT of time just sitting around the student center or in my room. you’d think with all this time i’d be acing my classes and staying on top of work. not necessarily! i’m pretty overwhelmed with one class specifically, and with all this time and the feelings i have towards the class, i just don’t keep up the way i should. this week i’m really working hard to get my head back in the game. school is tough, man. and i never feel like this. in high school i worked my actual ass off, and last year both semesters i lived in the library and would cry if i got a B+ in a class. now the motivation is just not the same. it will turn around, i’m sure.

on a lighter note, what has been making me feel better during this time? well, music has. i listen to so much music and spend a lot of time curating playlists, listening to new songs, etc. i also have become pretty hyper fixated on my future career, and have applied for many internships and stuff. it has given me an outlet to focus on things other than school. next semester will be way better, because i can join a school lab in neuroscience, and can start my own radio show.

also i started watching glee. lol.

does this all make sense? i’m not sad i’m just really overwhelmed with so many feelings that it almost feels like nothing at all. i hope it does make sense.

i think blogging could be a cool outlet now. every blog i say this, but i will prob blog more. i just never can come up with topics that i can write so much about. maybe i’ll come up with more.

okay everyone– have a great rest of your day please. and lets get through the semester together. enjoy the holiday szn.

bye :-0

cbn